Coffee Road Trips .. !! ..

You make plans, revise them and fix some loop wholes through which you can get back to the core just in case things get heat up and you have to slow down a bit. 

When the core of the plans blow up, you’re left with nothing. Maybe loop wholes remain scattered alongside the path of your life that remind you of who you were and where you were heading, but we all got attachments to the past that affect us for seconds when we come across reminders.  

These plans are indifferent from signing an end of life agreement and afterwards you find out you’ve been misdiagnosed and this is actually only a first wave of an epidemic, that you luckily have survived. The good news is; you’re going to live. Bad news! a long misguided life. 

What to do? what to do? Let’s experiment. 

It’s engraved in the bottom of humans to fear the big things in life and undermine the little things. 

I made a decision to put this statue upside down for a while. I’ve decided to find the best coffee latte in this city. So, whenever I’m not working the night, right after night fall I choose a direction and drive until I find a cafe to try their coffee latte, or “cafe au lait” .. check their grind, the milk and every composition. I’ve tried so many, good and horrible mugs until I found one last week. 

Despite how perfect that coffee and café were; I feel empty. 

I feel empty, again. And the only explanation I can give at the given moment, is because I made a sponge out of myself to absorb everything related to the big thing in life and focus on it. The coffee. When I had it, time runs again and the world starts spinning again and I feel the urge to keep moving but I have no idea where to go because I have reached my final destination and .. need a while to figure out what to do next. 

It was safe to put the tiny things in the place of big things because losing or winning with these things have me carry no burden. Society, family, friends, age .. no burden at all. It’s just a stupid thing that you tell and laugh about it with friends and heavily worried people. 

Now, what’s with the fear of big things? Why do we hesitate and double check we’re on the right path and seek approval and validation or our aim, direction and even question our intuitions .. and fear people’s looks down the way .. !! .. 

Is it the years we spend on things to happen? is the emotional and kinetic energy we push for them to happen? is it the static energy that magnetizes our surrounding and small enclosed circle? 

Well, one thing I understand .. humans are the kind of animals that form herds. A decision made by one, for their very own self, affects the static energy of the rest in close proximity. Huh, ok that’s true. 

Oh, wait. That’s what they call a nation. Or society maybe. 

Society is the effects and nation the common interests? Anyways, it’s the system that’s just there and you dare not to crush, deceive nor escape. Just obey. 

Nietzsche wrote: “the individual has always had to struggle, to see from being overwhelmed by the tribe.” 

Well, look at the world .. you’re society and whatever surrounds you. Everyone thinks “safe”. Everyone knows some standards and they abide. It’s like we’ve been engineered to be engulfed in small bubbles based on some properties .. you name them. 

Forget society and their tiny little standards. 

Why people are so quick into judging? Why is “the first impression is the last impression”? 

Only a long term exposure will force an individual to re-evaluate. There’s always a first impression .. then after tolerating the nonsense for quite a while comes the .. “you’re actually, this and that, after all. Not so bad”. 

I think everyone deserves a maid .. because human’s ego is too large for a one individual to carry, they need that kind of aid, even. 

So, how to play it safe? They should never see you coming. Low and slow to go through. 

Now, I made my precious latte adventures in a time full of hatred, violence, hunger and horrible circumstances the world is experiencing as a form of observational step of the elite’s experimental process. 

The little bitter taste of coffee grain at the bottom of the cup is what I’m seeking. It’s a game. The truth is .. I’m not the only player. I just chose coffee as my bait .. and I “the human” am theirs. 

You too, my friend .. you too. 

The Notebook!

I have been sick. I smoke and that’s bad, I know .. since I started lighting up I get sick every year. I need to quit, I know. But people do stupid things for reasons I might explain one day. 

When I get sick, simply, I make a giant pot of something soupy and bring the magic tea kit nearby and get bored in bed. So, I decided to watch something .. that doesn’t involve much thinking. 

A stupid movie flashed out on the hard drive and I decided to watch it one more time to see what’s it really about that gotten everybody mad about it. I played the Notebook. 

I made a cup of regular tea “addiction” and watched it. While it’s playing I caught myself multiple times thinking “what an irresponsible action” .. “what an immature man” .. “what a childish girl” .. “what an arrogant mother” .. and once his white house was ready I was like  .. “what a sour tea” since I can’t taste a thing and all that’e left for me is a physiological function of my tongue that decided my delicious tea is actually sour. 

I just realized one thing. Yes, I hate politicians but in fact I agree with myself when I thought “I respect politicians”. 

Have you ever read the label printed on the inner wall of a shampoo bottle while showering? despite the fact that you like you’re new choice because this shampoo smells really nice .. when the bottle is full, you really enjoy reading the label inside more than if it was printed outside. It’s really fun. The letters are big, and you can play with the fraction line of light to enlarge half of the word and so. 

It’s like seeing your finger print on one face of a crystal from another surface opposite to it. A crystal got many surfaces “faces”. Just because the one close to your eye is shiny “reflection of light”, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy seeing your finger print on another surface through the first. 

Politicians are normal people who go through a lot to put on a form of balance between what people need and what the elite dictate, simple. 

We .. are not very much different. We, in fact, are prisoners. 

I’m a prisoner. I leave home “or whatever that cold space is called” at 7 in the morning, get overworked “convinced I’m important” and cannot be free before 6 in the evening when I start to look for a meal and a desk to study hard for a few hours then fall asleep with a click. I’m serious, I just lay on bed and that’s it. 

I get 6 on-calls per month, during each I steal minutes to eat and smoke .. If I’m lucky I’d raise my legs for a while. By the end of the month; I get money to spend on shopping with no time to shop at all. So, I have to convince myself that I’m working not for the money “because it’s obviously useless”, rather to help people help themselves .. so they can get back to their own prison they call a job and raise money they have no time to utilize.

Now, when I get a chance to look at my bank statement I find much of that money, I’ve been given as a reward for the job I do, sent to multiple companies .. electricity, water, telecom, and many others. Yes, I remember signing all those contracts in order to make my flat on the west coast .. a beautiful home. 

Well, how do that paraplegic patient pay his bills? He’s been with my team for a month. He must be rich “smirk”. 

The politician is the one who’s convicted “by the society” for the crime of poor people for them not to have warm food, water, electricity and maybe formula powder for their children. 

But, we’re all hamsters in this system dictated by the elite. We’re all living our life running behind the “money”. 

How did 7 billion people gotten convinced that money is all that matters and simple needs are what’s today is called major elements of life? Houses in the city, fancy cars, accessories, plenty of food to throw away form the dining table, and a few other irrational things. 

The sad part is, if one of us doesn’t have those things .. we’d call him/her an unfortunate .. or less fortunate. Really ..!!.. 

See! We’re so busy and consumed that we cannot utilize the frontal lobes of our brains for one more task. How’re those less fortunate families doing? How did they survive winter? And that’s the point. We’re locked up, we have no communication with the outside world .. the very adjacent to us .. the rest of our own society that we try hard to fit in. 

What do we do? Correct. We get a lunatic from the media to tell us about them. 

Here’s a question. What happens to any one who gets enormously famous due to successful show on youtube or any other free media? Correct again. They get a contract with one of the major companies .. and correct again. Those companies are owned by the elite. 

It’s quite dangerous when someone gets famous “a role model” for a huge base of followers because that’s simply “influence” so the elite will hire anyone with “influence” to keep the vast majority of the crowd under control. So, through them, since we idolized them, they can dictate us over and over again. 

I’m really sorry McAdams got dementia and cannot remember Noah or her children. It was an epic love story. And if anyone believes they cannot get something because of stupid things like the stuff that kept Noah and .. what as her name in the film again!! Anyways .. the things that kept them apart, then they’re delusional. Because responsibility as much as it’s a norm, it’s a value too. You’re responsible for your success and happiness. If responsibility restrains your hands from reaching into happiness and forces you into accepting swallowing a blade; then you’re not a responsible person, you’re just a follower .. and have accepted the new religion blindlessley .. the religion of the elite .. it’s called Obedience. 

I’m glad I didn’t go to work today, although it sounds irresponsible because I had to ask my teammates to care for my patients and check on them, but on the other hand I’m being responsible for caring for myself and regaining my strength so I can help when I’m fit for the job, again. 

Oh, and that thing about my sour tea! It's life when you've got nothing to lose, you see what you are, truly. So, think again ..!!.. 

Fear not tomorrow, nor yesterday!

I’ve always believed that each and everyone is smart; we just can’t see it obvious. 

This world has changed so much while I know it’s not the world that changed, but I grow up everyday and I notice things in different ways than how I anticipated them to be, and of course, that’s yet not the ultimate truth on what things and people are. 

On the other hand; I see the world staying still .. I’ve seen evidences on how history is repeating itself. It doesn’t really change.

Tides, life is. I’m a bottle on top of a wave with no cap on. A wave fills my half one day, the sun dries it up .. all I’m left with is salt. Here’s the fun part. I’ve been created with a superpower; it’s called forgetfulness. Thanks to that I can remove the precipitated salt and come clean every time like a new born comes to life with nothing but a tendency to tan, like my left arm these days .. half tan half pale. 

A month ago, I decided to end my traveling and settle in for a while. Started practicing medicine and showed potentials to be a good neurosurgeon, yet; couldn’t drop my games. 

Overtime we see a patient in rounds; I’d go back asking for a thing; meds labels usually works best. 

As I stand their quietly, boom .. magic. A patient starts talking, complaining, being gloomy and transparent. It’s horrifying to see the other faces, the real feelings, and the major complains of the patients. 

At such moments I don’t feel my presence, and can’t even remember how I felt or dealt with the situation .. all I remember is the body language and words of the patients, and how they masked those feelings when people (staff, family or me before) were in the room a while ago. 

The weakest are the ones who mask up their issues and accept the least attention .. while others like to play games. 

If life was a man .. I’d say he’s a sarcastic one. There’s such a balance in the system of mankind that I, yet, cannot explain it or point at the constant .. but everybody got their equal share of joy and pain, they just can’t see it or appreciate it. 

All mankind are biting so hard on the tails of life’s beautiful dress and won’t be real humans (if the definition of humanity applies to mankind), until they’re struck with pain. Pain is the only thing yet I understand that humanize, de-demonize people. 

Pain of losing a loved one, or fearing to lose a loved one, be it another entity or their own; is the only human pain. Because only death is capable of breaking down a molecule of mankind into it’s empirical structure. 

People are like pasta, and pain is water. They’re covered with a layer of starch. You stir them in a pot!! starch makes bubbles at the top of water surface. Only boiling water “death” makes them spineless. 

And then I look at those with still strong hands who’s got more than their teeth to hold on into life’s beautiful dress. 

People abandoning their dreams in a desperate move to fit in. I have witnessed multiple cases of dreamy eyes re-establishing their interests and fighting for validation as they step out in the real world where responsibilities and life needs are heavy burdens. 

Rewind .. rewind is all it takes to explain why abandoning a parallel reality that once, not a long time ago, was an anchor to the so-called Reality is a downgrading of ones self. 

There’s that ancient joke that says: “i’ll do my assignment the last minute because then I’ll be older and wiser”. As much realistic and logical it sounds, as it’s a joke; that’s why it’s funny. 

“Do not walk the driven path, because it will take you only to where it took the others before”. 

Rushing into big decisions and reframing ones whole lifestyle upon what seems to be right during a new interval of life or after acquiring a new emblem is not an indication of misfit and thus does not necessarily mean that one has to fulfill every aspect of lifestyle that other in the new circle have fulfilled to be a fitting part of that society or circle. 

I have seen people trying to be friendly, nerdy, needy, greedy, romantic, drastic, because they think it’s a must to survive in the new environment and have to match the lifestyle of their new peers and competence. 

Those dreams, needs, and lifestyle aspects abandoned .. not all of them are anchors potentially dragging ones back into their old life; rather a mixture. Some of them are, in simple words, the engine that have driven them this far. And yes, of course, some others are anchors. 

Yet, a massive transformation means that peers on each level replicate and duplicate, rather than get to know new other people. 

And .. what’s wrong with the old life? It eventually lead them to where they are today .. why bite the hand that fed them!! 

Yes, it’s funny to hear someone who’s a fully grown woman talking about how much she dreams of visiting Disneyland in it’s new look, but it’s a drive, and maybe a need. 

These and many other things I can’t explain yet make me doubt this is Lady Life. Maybe it is the mistress, maybe. 

It’s so easy to lose people simply because our stars don’t match!! and so easy to go bankrupt because money is everything and everything is expensive .. so easy to lose myself if I tried to fit-in. 

Everybody claims to be different, and yet sacrifice to find similarities; to fin-in.

Well, I’m not similar and not different .. life is dark and tomorrow is unknown .. lets sale towards the darkness.

Only one thing is not easy; To make a child remember you, and receive you with a smile once they see you. 

The child is not a new addition to the number of mankind. It’s the one who’s got very little and needs very little. Like a mother, or a an actual kid. 

Thousand Words I'm Choking on

My problem with people who have departed my life, is that I’m left with thousands of words I’d like to say .. but I can’t. 

I’d like to tell my grandmother that I still love the mango juice because you insisted I try it, and I did only because I love you dearly. 

I’d like to tell my uncle; I’m extremely sorry I missed that dinner you invited me to .. I’d pay half my life to go back to that day so I can be there with you. 

I’d like to tell another dear person; I’m terribly sorry my pride clouded my judgment and didn’t come back to hug you tight. 

Thousands of words I’m chocking on .. and the only way to compensate is to show empathy and provide help and comfort to others to feel good about myself via satisfaction of redemption of overload of giving .. because that empty spot, or death, changes everything and I’m left with nothing but my original version of self; a human. A human with actual feelings .. how funny is that. 

I could go to the graveyard and say all I want .. but I won’t matter because they’re not there for me anymore .. and the living will see me weak and not strong enough to face this life because I’m forgetting about life and crying over the spilled milk, thus I won’t be there shedding tears, because again, life gets in the way. 

I’m a man who believes in second chances because we inherit traits as much as we inherit behaviors and fortunes and beliefs and many other things. In life, the test comes before the lesson. 

Only a man who knows the definite feedback of thing will value it’s course and look after it dearly not to mess it up again .. so yes, I believe in second chances. But, where would I purchase a day when I can see my people who departed my life. 

What does it mean to be tough, or rich, or carry a great family name .. or poor or nice or else if it’s deviating from the basic humane features. 

Life is too short to seek validation from people who don’t fit in the bias algorithm or your life, or those who are not sure they want you in theirs, or need others'  approval. 

P.s. some words are better left unsaid .. and some other words die once said. 

The Title

A book is a silent “intellectual” conversation between two minds. You don’t get to argue with the point being. 

People, and smarts ones too, tend to load their thoughts while seeming to be listening in a conversation, especially in an argument. 

Fantasy and adventure books, shows, and people escalate once they go on about a certain topic until it seems “over” at some point. 

Take a fantasy/adventure movie for an example. It’s starts simple with desalinization of the characters. As it goes on, it goes deeper, intellectually and intense within the depth of the main category. 

Writers in general would choose the title after their work is done, simply because the title is the face of the whole work .. and somehow it gets an overview of the piece. 

Think of it as a daydream of any ordinary person. They start with putting theirselves in the shoes of an event that caught them a feeling, and may repeat the scene after it’s over and edit it in their minds over and over .. and at some point they realize they’ve gone too far. Now the beautiful thing about the book, or the following seasons of a show is that the writers would want more success in attaching to their audience; by the time the tale of their work is near an end, they’ve done an extensive research on the topic in order to dig into depth to keep the fantasy alive and connected. 

That’s why people with potentials fascinate me. Smart people fascinate me. They offer me a tour into their beautiful heads, and they see my interest as an admiration and likes; thus the tour is paid. 

I used to believe that everyone is smart in their own way, now I’ve come to a conclusion that everyone is not stupid. 

I, yet, have not found anything in the human-human interactions better than the “getting to know them” .. because it’s too difficult and paying attention is hard but the outcome? Everyone teaches you at least one thing. 

It’s like “the chase” when a boy seems to be interested in a girl. The more she resists; the better. The chase is the rush, the adrenaline and the fun. 

It’s fun for the boy because he plays the game, and the girl gets the attention because she feels validated and thus, beautiful. In other words; it’s fun for the boy, not the girl. Boys want to play, girls want to settle and become the princess of her childhood’s daydreams. 

I may not understand what love really is; but I love the depth of fantasy books that go on and on <and how their research reveals things about the world that couldn’t be said easily without getting in trouble> , as much as I love a smart girl whom I get to know and is actually smart and beautiful. 

Oh, and I hate love.

Did it change or did I grow up?

We live in a world where right and wrong got mixed up. Good and evil, permitted and prohibited. Culture and sophistication seen as backward. 

Everyone judges, but won't allow other to judge. 

Norms and values have lost their value, and virtue? Backward yet again. 

We're not banknotes! We don't have to be identical. We can be different, at least we could still feed our needs by learning from each other. If we hate DIFFERENT, and upon that we'd justify cancelling or killing each other; we'll exhaust one trait of our human self and leave the rest untouched .. leading to lack of balance, within one's self. 

I was a writer. I used to write a lot. Poetry, articles, diaries and many letters. But then I ditched it all for reality. A fake reality that I thought it was worth fighting for, worth letting my guard down and to let people in my inner world and see my weaknesses and hopes; giving them a dagger to stab me where it hurts whenever it’s convenient! Sounds like what daddy's girl gonna say? Well, there's a direct link between weakness and humanity. And today I'm stronger than ever, i'm not afraid of weaknesses. 

I ditched it .. I thought that I was living in my head and I was detached from reality, and for some reason I stopped. But the pride of my work lived with me. 

In my reality I was living the stories of people I met, their stories and their pain. I lived it. Then when I was alone (and I was often alone), I relived their pain and adopted it, then wrote about it. I was feeling human. I was understanding those in need, and able to help because I shared their burden in a tiny bit of my heart. 

I also travelled a lot, met a lot of people of different nations, races, religions .. and visited their homes. I’ve been kicked out of towns, and received in others. I lived the life of many different kinds of people. I went to parties, conferences, book reading clubs, parades, protests, bon-fires, road trips, home parties, unplanned travels. I wasted time, and invested my other time in good purposes .. but still never gotten a chance to find the perfect lifestyle that I would call humane. 

Politics .. has stolen so much from me. Its has stolen so much that I can’t even find one dream I had that doesn’t fear the political status of today’s world. 

There are a lot of great humane traits in all societies, and many peaceful movements and moreover, peaceful minds .. but politics has it’s own way into tearing the forces apart and rip them off of their humanity. 

What does politics have to do with my dreams? People see me DIFFERENT in a way or another. 

Wrong, is he who thinks that DIFFERENT applies only to one from a different land or race or school. Even members in a given patriotic political party in one country fight and undergo the filter of beliefs. I’m not different, I’m not THE OTHER, I’m just ANOTHER human-being. But people forget, and they see all the differences in times or disagreement or sorrow. 

Forgetfulness is a grace, not a bad thing by the way .. that’s why I’m free today. I forgot a lot of things and today I’m just happy. 

I’m happy today but I fear tomorrow. How could I trust what I trusted before and failed me .. !! .. " You never fail until to stop trying". Albert Einstein. 

“One whom has read history, have added life to his own”. 

For long I was thinking that life have become very different and too harsh, but then I remember all the stories and problems societies have faced upon the course of history. It doesn’t really take a genius to realize that our world today is not unique or different from everything humanity has faced before. In the matter of fact, even the transitions from a norm to another has been recorded and can be recited and measured on today’s life. 

Life has evolved, everything has evolved ..  but one thing that DID NOT is manipulation. Today we only have given names to every behaviour and can tell what technique was used to overthrow this thing or promote that. 

W. H. Audin wrote: “Evil is always unspectacular, and always HUMAN”. It’s that simple. It’s that simple to create a new circle and stuck a herd of people in it, narrow down a circle or widen up another. 

Vengeance is a true and genuine human trait. Holy books have agreed on that too. If any man has had his beloved one killed “murdered”, they’d seek vengeance. “Whose sheddeth a man’s blood, by man shall is blood be shed” Genesis 9:6. 

There’s only one emerging face of humanity that has changed. Killing is bad so punishing by killing is bad = justice is not served via applying the ugly act upon the criminal. But still, Justice must be delivered by authorities, not by the hands of the victim’s family. 

If authorities didn’t serve justice, or served in favour of the criminal; then the family filled with sadness and anger will react in a way to serve justice as they view it. 

Every step of the scenario is justified by one mean or more, different means maybe going through different societies and age groups. 

It’s completely rational in one society, and completely not in another. 

“The irrationality of a thing, is not an argument against it’s existence, rather a condition of it”. Fred Nietzsche. 

Timeline of humanity has changed in many aspects, but those aspects influencing the society upon the human traits got their impact clear and not too difficult to predict or engineer. Simply because traits have not changed, because humans remain humans. 

For that manipulation has not evolved in heart, rather only in form and we already know what to call it whenever we see any part of it. 

In fact, we learn manipulation since the 3rd month of our lives so it’s not really big news. 

People tend to believe they know it all .. know everything. Well, men wear napkins. A straight line or a triangle should the napkin be for an official business meeting? 

After all; the only way to re-huamanise and individual who discriminates is to ask them who they define themselves as or as what they identify themselves, and then show them that they are subject to criticism too because everybody is. That’ll fast forward the whole conversation into hatred-based; but it’ll show everyone that no one is perfect nor necessarily is part of a circle. And if it must be one; then human be it. 

لعبة الحب

يا صغيرة 

لعبة الحب وغًى جد خطيرة، 

رقصة الوجدان غيلان مغيرة، 

لمسة العشاق لو طالت قصيرة

شمعة تقهر ديسمبر إن جن صرورا

دونها الدفء وفيها الخوف يبدو مستطيرا 

ولتعطي تطلب الأمن من الريح بحف حولها حقا وزورا 

والتنائي يقلب الصدر سعيرا 

وامتعاض يحمل البسم أسيرا 

وابتسام لنظير يملؤ الآفاق حيرة 

إنها معركة الكُمْيِ فتيين يصد الفارس الطعنة بالصفح ويبقى مستديرا

بيد أنْ توماهوكها أن تستثيري فيه غيرة/نعرة

علها الخنجر في صدر كمي 

قلبه القنفذ لو أطفأ هذا الحب نوره

يمتطي الكمي إذا حل المسا السلم ويبدي كلهم ودا وخيرا 

وبهذي، غارة الليل الردى تبقى مدى التاريخ عورة

لكن الصبح بثغر باسم يخفي التياعا 

ثم يمضي يملؤ الآفاق عطرا وشعورا 

دأبهم في الحرب عفو وهو في الأخلاق ثورة