Thousand Words I'm Choking on

My problem with people who have departed my life, is that I’m left with thousands of words I’d like to say .. but I can’t. 

I’d like to tell my grandmother that I still love the mango juice because you insisted I try it, and I did only because I love you dearly. 

I’d like to tell my uncle; I’m extremely sorry I missed that dinner you invited me to .. I’d pay half my life to go back to that day so I can be there with you. 

I’d like to tell another dear person; I’m terribly sorry my pride clouded my judgment and didn’t come back to hug you tight. 

Thousands of words I’m chocking on .. and the only way to compensate is to show empathy and provide help and comfort to others to feel good about myself via satisfaction of redemption of overload of giving .. because that empty spot, or death, changes everything and I’m left with nothing but my original version of self; a human. A human with actual feelings .. how funny is that. 

I could go to the graveyard and say all I want .. but I won’t matter because they’re not there for me anymore .. and the living will see me weak and not strong enough to face this life because I’m forgetting about life and crying over the spilled milk, thus I won’t be there shedding tears, because again, life gets in the way. 

I’m a man who believes in second chances because we inherit traits as much as we inherit behaviors and fortunes and beliefs and many other things. In life, the test comes before the lesson. 

Only a man who knows the definite feedback of thing will value it’s course and look after it dearly not to mess it up again .. so yes, I believe in second chances. But, where would I purchase a day when I can see my people who departed my life. 

What does it mean to be tough, or rich, or carry a great family name .. or poor or nice or else if it’s deviating from the basic humane features. 

Life is too short to seek validation from people who don’t fit in the bias algorithm or your life, or those who are not sure they want you in theirs, or need others'  approval. 

P.s. some words are better left unsaid .. and some other words die once said.